Nonsensical

I don't even know if that is a word.

I'm set to the start the new fall semester at Iowa in less than a week. I'm excited, but also wondering, what the heck am I supposed to be doing now? Is the PA school basket where I need to put all my eggs. I've been working towards this for 5 years, what if I was wrong? All this time and money and sacrifice could be for nothing. And that is really depressing.

I don't fail very often, but when I do it seems to be huge. I know I have one more chance left (my own restriction, not the program)- but part of me feels unmotivated to do some of the things I need to do to become more competetive. Why give up more family time if it's for naught? How pathetic does that sound?

I'm looking at other PA schools in the country, trying to find what else I can do. But each require so many different things - I will have to take more classes, etc since not all the programs require the same things. How annoying is that? It will have been over 10 years since I took Gen. Psych and an English class. So I will have to take those again. Another requires freaking calculus. I took that in high school for Godsakes!

I suppose I'm willing to wait and see what happens. What makes this so hard is I'm researching backup plans - and those seem to appeal to me more than jumping through all these hoops. And knowing I have a 12/13 chance to fail again. Man, those odds suck.

Deep down I know that settling for nursing then working towards a nurse practioner/midwife or saying heck to the world and just becoming a midwife/doula where I will have a hard time finding a job isn't the right move. I will be frustrated with the limitations that I would have in this country. NP is great, but I have to work as a staff nurse for awhile before I can apply. And you have to specialize too....

I feel better writing this vent - probably boring to the 2 people who read this blog, but isn't that was blogging is all about? Venting to the abyss?